Hello Loves –
And Happy New Year to you! (A bit belated for the Gregorian calendar, but right on time for the Lunar Calendar, which begins anew today!)
I had every intention of getting a January newsletter out – even had it half written a few days after NYD – but, so far anyway, 2019 is offering me a fresh dose of demands to stay present with what is here and asking to be experienced, rather than what I’d *planned* to do/feel/experience. Such is the way of a life committed to soul guidance, over linear trajectories.
Feeling run down and heavier than usual last month, I committed to clearing out excess – unnecessary weight from my closet, my schedule, my diet, my body and my heart. Almost immediately I began feeling lighter and more energized.
And then, as the youngsters say, “sh*t got real.” A little over a week ago, about two weeks into my “operation liberation,” I begun having extreme abdominal pain. Several hours of this, and realization that my abundant bag of self-care tricks weren’t cutting it, I went to the ER. Their conclusion: Elevated liver numbers and a gallbladder attack caused from gallstones.
What?? The gall of this diagnosis initially offended and confused me. My protective, but less evolved, parts felt self-righteous and defensive that such a thing could possibly be true after two weeks of feeling so great and twenty years of relative clean eating and well living.
But then my soul gently and compassionately nudged me, as she does, inviting a larger perspective. I paused and choose to just stay with whatever my body was communicating – to be with, even welcome, this extreme pain as a messenger carrying wisdom that my conscious mind had clearly been oblivious to. Within a few days, the composting of this oh so “real sh*t” going down in my internal organs began clear – and insights, clarity and healing poured in.
What I know from my years studying energy medicines is that our gallbladder and liver connect not only our body’s ability to process and filter fat and toxins – but also serve to digest frustration, anger and rage. Perhaps no surprise, these are not emotions that this Midwestern gal, with deep lineage roots in both Japanese and Evangelical Christian culture, learned to experience in very healthy ways. I basically got a PhD level education in how to be “nice” at all costs.
Gratefully, through my own healing path I’ve learned to value these – and all emotions – for the wisdom they bring. I’ve had moments of being able to just scream, punch a pillow and dance out my rage in ways that liberated and energized me and freed me from the stories. In my role as a healer, I’ve facilitated countless people in creating safe containers to emote in similar ways and use these hot emotions for breakthrough and boundary upgrades.
I’ve learned to more easily act upon one of my soul’s missions, to be a truth teller and liberator, by feeling these emotions and then communicating them with presence and kindness – even when I need to say things that don’t sound or feel “nice”.
But clearly my body’s been holding, quite literally in the knapsack of my gallbladder – little gemstones of some unmetabolized energy – and the “attack” was my body’s brilliant way of getting my attention and pointing me to where this available fuel was hanging out.
There’s plenty to be angry about, of course – you can’t turn on the news for more than a minute without some fresh hell to digest. But anger is not the same thing as blame. Blame is a story that keeps us from feeling our emotions and can stay fixed for years, steaming and suffering.
Frustration, anger and rage, often triggered by external events, are here to act as portals into feeling our way through to a higher level of truth. When fully expressed without attachment to the story, they can be cleared of all charge in about a minute and catapult our growth and efficacy as change makers in our world.
Every time we lower our standards, say yes when we mean no, contort our desires and/or values, buy into limiting beliefs, or stay quiet when we need to speak up – all to stay safe or avoid the risk of losing approval or love – our natural energetic flow gets bound up. If enough of this energy binds up, we feel stuck – life feels like it is happening “to us” rather than “through us.” And it is… because we aren’t participating fully and truthfully.
Frustration, anger and rage are conduits that can break that stuckness and allow us to finally say… scream… ENOUGH!!!!! And then we can begin to take action and make choices aligned with the truth of our souls.
So this month, I’m saying “Enough!”
…Enough! to ignoring my intuition because I’m scared of the uncomfortable and new territories it’s leading me to.
…Enough! to betraying my true desires just because it’s not so hard to go along with what someone else wants.
…Enough! to telling any story that credits my pain and suffering solely to external circumstances.
…Enough! to believing the cultural hallucinations about what is and is not possible.
…Enough! to numbing and stuffing my feelings with food or stimulants or alcohol.
…Enough! to waiting for permission, validation or certainty to leap toward the life I desire.
My body’s got a lot of gall, speaking up how it did… and I’m so thankful.
With love (and the full range of emotions that goes with it),
*P.S. – one upgrade I’m making in 2019 is changing up my stylized all lower case writing style. It was a style that’s worked well for me for the last twenty years or so, but something about this new version I’m incarnating, wants capital letters. So there you go.
*P.S.S. — I’m feeling SOOO much better – physically and in every other way since my body’s wake up call last week. I’m raising my standard for health and committed not to “getting rid of or managing” the stones – but to having the most vital, healthy, fully expressed liver and gallbladder possible!