Hello friends,

Pre-dawn has always been my favorite time of day. The daytime hustle is still hushed, while most non-nocturnal animals, humans included, remain asleep. It is when I love to sip my matcha tea, explore waking dreams in front of my altar and present a water offering to my garden. During these rituals, the sky often slowly wakes up with an orange, foggy tint; which breaks the dense darkness of the night. 

Earlier this month, for many of us in Northern California, dawn never arrived. With a dark orange hue, the night stayed all day. 

Our cell phone cameras weren’t quite capturing it, so we turned them around to use as  flashlights, navigating the dark daytime skies with a mix of apocalyptic dread and awe filled curiosity. 

At this moment in our collective reality, it’s no real surprise when a new fresh kind of hell lands on the day.

 But this felt different to me; I had a reverent sense all day that Mama was putting us in our place.

I felt her encouraging us, in a dark orange voice, to really pause and feel…  to be with the knowing that nothing is guaranteed and anything is possible. To keep choosing hope, over and over again, regardless of circumstances. 

I am dedicated to a practice of hope now more than ever. Not because I’m blind to the atrocious realities of this moment or because I don’t fear the further horrors that could come. My head stays out of the sand and as fully engaged as possible through the times when the sun doesn’t come up, metaphorically or literally. 

As Mariame Kaba, an incredible modern day activist and prison abolitionist, says, “Hope is a discipline.”

Consciously choosing hope as a daily act of rebellion in a sea of despair, allows us to be with what is. It also energizes us to participate in the infinite number of new realities that could be. We have been, and will continue to be, disappointed when what we hoped for does not land as we wished it would, and that’s okay.

The most hopeful people are not those who are ignorant to what is, but rather those who can be so fully with the pain of what is, that they are inspired to dream up something new. Darkness is where we do our best dreaming. 

In mid-February this year I held an in-person Soul Oriented retreat. Sixteen souls cozily rested and healed together in a glorious vacation home in San Rafael. On our final evening together we shared a night of “Soul & Tell.” This is one of the richest parts of the retreat, when each person comes up front to share a little piece of themselves (a song, poem, story, piece of art, etc.) as a gift to the group. 

My dear friend Maia, who’s soul thrives when growing things in the dirt, shared the symbolism of seeds in her life and then presented each of us with a little packet of some she’d collected. With a few simple instructions, she encouraged us all to sprout them at our homes as reminders of the weekend. 

No one knew at that moment, when we were happily unmasked and unaware of the number of feet between us, what would be coming just a few weeks later. 

This spring and summer I received regular photos from retreat participants sharing their excitement at how easily Maia’s arugula, lettuces and poppies were thriving.

My seeds were planted in our garden too. Strangely, and amazingly, on that day when the light of day never came, all the plants had a significant growth spurt… 

Upward and onward,

Vanessa

*During these times, one of the things that has been sustaining me creatively, emotionally and financially is the amazing support of my Patreon community. If you feel called to offer around a dollar or more each month to support this newsletter and other creations of my soul, I’d be so grateful.

In return, depending on your support level, you’ll receive downloads of songs and guided meditations, a handmade postcard in the mail each month and more. My vision is to have 20 more supporters (50 total) by the end of 2020. Thank you so much for considering being one of them!

Learn more here:

www.patreon.com/vanessaverlee

“Resilience” is defined as… 

1. The capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
2. The ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.

Hi friends – 

I write this while breathing in smoky air from yet another devastating string of wildfires and thinking about how this year, perhaps more than any other, has had our resiliency tested in such intense, profound ways. 

With the above, traditional understanding of resiliency, at best I am left in the shape I started in, but tougher.

But this understanding falls short for me and I’ve been wondering about what resiliency looks like without simply hardening in order to survive something.  While I am all for elasticity and strengthening my ability to recover from challenges, I also want to invite into my resiliency a sense of softness and tenderness that can better allow a new shape to emerge.

By now, it’s nearly cliche, but no less true, that the idea of “going back to normal” is a fantasy. Not because all is lost – but because hard things change us.  At our best, challenges shape us into a version of ourselves sensitized to loss and therefore able to show up with more humility, compassion and creativity. 

Nothing is likely to make this time in our history easy — reckoning with imbalances never is — but there are tools to build a deeper type of resilience – one that allows life to happen WITH you, rather than TO you.  

Firstly, PRESENCE. Simply placing yourself in the moment that is at hand is the fastest way I know to slow down a spinning mind. Our minds were designed to scan our environments for potential danger. When we don’t pause and allow our actual physical senses to do so, our thoughts take over and begin weaving an infinite number of tales around what might go wrong.  

When you notice this happening, stop, slow down your breath – counting in for three and out for five –  and then begin naming everything you see, hear, smell, taste and feel right in the moment. Count your pulse out loud until you get to 25 and then, again breathe in for three counts and out for five counts a few times.  

When there is a real and imminent threat in your immediate surroundings, your fight or flight instinct will take over and act. When there is not (and if you are actually even considering trying this exercise, then likely, there is not) then simply getting present should help the body to calm. 

Secondly, CONNECTION.

When we isolate ourselves, our bodies struggle physically, emotionally and spiritually. Resiliency thrives in the context of relationships. These days, connection requires more creativity. Some attempts at connection leave us drained or triggered. Others leave us feeling more energized, compassionate and open to new perspectives. Get curious about the former and more committed to the latter.

Finally, AUTHENTIC EXPRESSION.  Trying to hold it all together, when parts of us are falling apart, can leave us anxious, numb or exhausted. Often the most relieving and rejuvenating thing to do is to just feel your feels. 

Take time to pause and give yourself permission to cry, pound a pillow, shake your body, scream or just laugh at how ridiculous it all is. Simply acknowledging the thing you thought you weren’t allowed to feel, is often the permission your body needs to release it and move forward. 

Emotions are meant to be in motion.

Presence, connection and authentic expression are three ingredients to a kind of resilience that allows you to not just get through something – but to let that something get through to you. 

In this with you all,  

Vanessa

Hi friends,

Whatever your 2020 vision might have been on January 1st, this year has been a doozy no one could have predicted.

The full range of emotions have been pounding through our collective and individual bodies like waves, bringing the debris from the depths of the waters onto shore to be reckoned with. I don’t know about you, but I’ve been doing a whole lot of reckoning…

Regardless of how much confidence and clarity I previously had about my soul’s mission on this planet – since quarantining, without the flow and structures I’ve built my life around, I’ve often questioned my identity, purpose and floundered about many days unfocused and unsure how to give my gifts meaningfully.

Despite how much I’ve dedicated my life to healing injustices or bringing dignity to all people – or to how “woke” I may have fancied myself to be, over the last couple of months, it’s been painfully clear just how much more I have to learn, how much I’ve benefited from and how complicit I continue to be in the systems of oppression our white bodied supremacy society was built to perpetuate.

And although uncertainty and injustice are hardly new or unique to these times – both are taking center stage in ways that makes it increasingly challenging to stay comfortably numb and disengaged.

Discomfort, when welcomed in, is an essential worker in the transformational process. It is here to show us where we have contorted, contracted and/or disconnected. When we lean into places of discomfort, we feel the edges of our current capacity and have a roadmap for growth. With practice, our nervous system and sense of self can be with more and more before freezing, collapsing or defending. Eventually this process of growth makes it possible for us to be present and connected to a wider range of emotions, circumstances and people who have a different experience or lens of life than we do.

If you, like me, find yourself in a place of privilege (with access to opportunities and a presumption of relative safety and belonging in mainstream society based on your race, gender, class, etc.) then this discomfort may be taking the shape of more guilt, shame, indignation, outrage and/or confusion than usual. These are all appropriate emotions for the realities of our world and demand a new level of responsibility.

Taking responsibility doesn’t mean swooping in saving those who are “less fortunate,” or thinking we can solve the injustices of the world or letting guilt paralyze us. But I believe it does mean doing what’s necessary to hone our response – abilities.  If we keep our own nervous systems as  resourced as possible then we can listen, learn, transform and respond in more congruent and just ways. And when we don’t, we can ask own our shortcomings, readjust and keep going.

We can resource ourselves with breath, movement, rest, compassion, honesty, vulnerability, curiosity, humility, education and listening to voices that are different than our own so that we might respond with our gifts more effectively and sustainably.

Self-care is a revolutionary act. And this, like all truths, holds an important paradox to acknowledge. The culture that needs transforming, is the same culture that allows someone like me, a white, middle class, cisgendered woman, the access and social permission to more easily honor and care for my body and soul, than many of my fellow humans can not easily do.

It seems like we are at a tipping point in our world and the energy for envisioning a new reality is ripe.  This is not the time to go back to sleep.. nor is it sustainable to work all night long. This is not the time to have all the answers… or the time to give up in hopelessness.

To re-envision a future we desire, we must be able to sit with what we could not sit with before and let it change us, inspire us and fuel us to keep moving forward.

With fierce love and welcome discomfort,

Vanessa

Hi friends,

Sending you each so much love as we navigate this particularly important – and hopefully – tipping point in history. I do not sense this is the moment to share my particular framing of reality, as a white person. So I’m using the platform I have here this month to pass on some specific resources that have been passed on to me… to listen, learn, be challenged, show up, hold safe space for and love in more meaningful ways.

If you want to have a conversation about this, and/or if you have witnessed blindspots in me, I’m here and open to hear and grow.

In solidarity, humility, grief and hope,

Vanessa

 CONTINUALLY UPDATED RESOURCE LISTS:

*Anti-Racist Resource Guide

*Black Lives Matter Library, Teaching,
Activism and Community Resource List 

SOME ORGANIZATIONS THAT SUPPORT
BLACK THRIVING T0 CONTRIBUTE MONEY/TIME TO:

The Cross Cultural Solidarity History Education Project

Campaign Zero: Working To End Police Violence

BEAM: Nonprofit supporting Black
emotional and mental health

CLASSES TO TAKE TO SUPPORT
DISMANTLING RACISM/RACIAL TRUMA HEALING:

Resmaa Menakem Courses on Racialized Trauma
(also his book “My Grandmother’s Hands)

Spiritual Activism 101 (And 102) by Rachel Ricketts

ETC.

*My yoga teacher colleague, Saeeda Hafiz (many of you on this list that have taken classes with her over the years) released this book. Buy your copy here.

“In this memoir of upward mobility through the unexpected route of yoga, a young African American woman signs up for lessons in yoga and clean eating as a sign that she has now entered the middle class. The Healing is Saeeda Hafiz’s personal, painfully honest account of facing the inner demons fed by the domestic violence, addiction, and poverty she witnessed as a child.”

*Joel St. Julien, just released his latest album “Moral Monsters” today and all the proceeds from album sales today will go to BEAM, a nonprofit serving mental and emotional needs of Black people. Buy it here – today if you can!  I’ve been listening to it all morning, and it’s lovely. Joel produced my 2011 album and is a genius of experimental sound. Here’s the quote which his album was named for:

“I’m terrified at the moral apathy, the death of the heart, which is happening in my country. These people have deluded themselves for so long that they really don’t think I’m human. I base this on their conduct, not on what they say. And this means that they have become, in themselves, moral monsters.” – James Baldwin

SOME NOTES

This is by no means an exhaustive list. I am just passing on a few highlights of things that have been passed on to me and I’ve found helpful and/or compelled to donate to or purchase in support of dismantling white supremacy and amplifying black voices. If you want to talk more specifically any of the books, courses, organizations listed here, and/or send along other resources that aren’t, feel free.

An additional note if you are reading this and also white:

It’s okay to be uncomfortable, not know what to do or say, or feel inadequate. Listen and learn.

It’s okay to honor your need for rest and integration and not to engage with everything on this or any list at one time. Rest, digest and show up resourced.

Spiritual bypassing and performative allyship are direct roadblocks to true healing.

Take a breath, move… feel the feels… acknowledge our privilege – including what we see and all the privilege that remains, by it’s nature, unseen… own our shadows and blindspots… resource ourselves… welcome the knowing we have more to learn regardless of how much work we’ve done… get curious about defenses… keep showing up and learn how to do better, fail better and love better.

Hi friends,

In my last “Healing In Place” newsletter, in late March, I shared how it’s never been more obvious that we are ultimately all one, not “the only one” struggling or isolated in our pain. This new pandemically human experience has touched just about every aspect of life on earth.  But it is also personal and we are each moving with specific challenges and circumstances. As I’ve heard it said a few times now through this…

“Same storm, different boats.”

My list of all that I am grateful for in my current boat is long. But my days aren’t without seasickness. I still have many moments of fear, exhaustion, grief.  I sometimes feel so deeply lonely, even with a loving partner and network of friends. I miss life before the storm and worry about life after. I feel the weight of loss of a world where physical human connection felt generally safe and easy.

But at times of massive change, our body is designed to experience such emotions. They are the responses of our wise systems, doing it’s best to adapt to new realities. So, my conscious mind is continuing the practice of making space for the emotions, acknowledging them as they come, and letting my body move and emote as it needs to in order to create more peace and less sticky thoughts.

But some thoughts do stick.

Sometimes they are in the form of  “seriously, people?” kind of judgements about how others are navigating these current realities. In these moments it feels a little like being in a group project in work or school and feeling like others are dropping the ball or have a vision that feels incompatible with mine.  When I catch myself here, I try to take a deep breath (as deep as I can with a mask on anyway) and do my best to move from my head to my heart and remember… different boats.

Other times the sticky thoughts are in the form of projected dystopian realities that are void of the in person touch and social gatherings that my life has always been so fueled by. When this dark cloud comes, I try to pause and be with the fear and grief underneath… making space for my powerful imagination to start conjuring up futures that I want to be a part of co-creating.

From here I remember that life is happening with us… even for us… not to us.  And, with our trusty old friend impermanence, we know that “this too shall pass,”

The current construction of our boats –  like our thoughts… roles… identities…this current storm…and even our bodies… won’t be here forever. So we carry on, and do our best to be present here, right now, with whatever gifts are available for us.

Sending love to each of you, with at least six to eight feet of physical distance, but fully connected in our hearts, regardless of which boat we are navigating life from right now.

Vanessa